Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Growing Happiness

Life is like a rollercoaster, rolling up and down, full of twists and turns. We've just got to ride it.

This is a line graph of my happiness against time for the year 2009 :)

2009 wasnt all that great for me. A broken heart, thats how my year began. I allowed myself to grief. I moved on from feeling shock and numb and in denial to feeling angry and despair.

Someone told me that broken relationship is like a broken mirror..sometimes it might be better to leave it broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together

after giving some thought to this cliche I let go and the pain ends. Thats when i reach the final stage of grief- acceptance- without blame, without fear or anger or despair. After all, we plan but God decides..

Not long after, I again found myself traveling down a relationship that doesnt feel right or even look right. I spent most of my waking hours worrying about where and when is it going to end..the overwhelming insecurities and uncertainties left me constantly contemplating and in distress. It was uncomfortable, i wanted it over but there was always a voice inside of me that says i should hold on. Things might change later, for the better..

but it didnt of course. I was trapped and the only thing that kept me going was the thought of the possibilities of happiness if i stayed on..the times when i ever do feel merely happy came from the thought that i will be happy, one day.. So how do you exactly break up with someone you still love? Shoudnt I never give up on something that i cant go a day without thinking about? I just cudnt do it..so there i was living on thoughts and fantasy that i made up myself..it was way too far from real..

using sorrowfulness as an excuse, i resorted to shopping and overspending which did help to aid my misery, but only to find that the boost of contentment was often temporary. i hit reality the instant i start driving home after each shopping trip. take my word- money really doesnt buy happiness

speaking of happiness, the good bits of 2009 started around late august. As luck would have it, or shall i say fate.. Fariz stumbled upon my profile on facebook and shot me a message..upon being asked if i know him, he replied 'i pun tak prasan bila i add u' ..cheh...:p lets just believe it was some kind of magic..

It took him almost 2 months or so (of chatting, texting and talking on the fon) to gather the courage to ask if he could come and see me..and i thought that he was SLOW..such a turtle he was.. In his defense, he told me he needed to take his time, to be sure, to not hurt me in case I started to plant hopes and grow dreams..but??! ..I have a completely opposite sentiment about this- If I really like something, I GRAB and GO..(happens a lot while shopping)..I concluded that perhaps Fariz didnt like me that much after all at that time..sob*..or maybe being a man, he is just not as impetuous as I am..he is wiser :)

Anyway..again slowly, but firmly Fariz made his way to my heart, unlocked it and secured himself there. He had all the confidence and he persisted. Now, nothing is above him, and the fear that i may not be able to escape from the previous relationship sounds too silly..Fariz, put the suffering to an end..

but back to the mushy stuff. it is now march and we are still growing happiness..Fariz doesnt anymore call or text me like zillion times a day, the way he used to at the beginning..honestly i am so ok with that, though i do sometimes tease him for not trying anymore..

I asked Fariz during our late night talk yesterday whether love is finite or infinite..does our capacity to love has limits or boundaries.. is there a saturation point for giving and accepting love..If love is plotted against time will we reach plateau one day and will the line dip during hard times or slowly drop as how love would fade away..?

I wanted to believe it when Fariz says that he can love me infinitely..but at the end I decided myself that maybe to stay in love and to stay happy are two different things all together..over time the infatuation and excitement of falling in love may fade, but happiness is always a choice..we can choose to stay happy, together, and for as long as we want to.


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