Lessons Learned

A few months ago.....

Me: I feel fat :(
Him: I pun! (whining like a girl too)
Me: Am i really fat?
Him: Why dont we hit the gym together! (eagerly and enthusiastically!!)


I....went outrageous... If we werent just talking over the phone, I would have bitten his head off..grrr!

Gentlemen please, there is only one RIGHT answer to the question, every time. At the very very least, offer a simple, sincere-sounding "No!" then, change the subject...

Solutions are not welcomed in this case and suggesting that I should lose weight or even 'we' should lose weight is not quite acceptable..



On a related note, I'm currently feeling bloated a.k.a FAT, ugly, cranky and depressed for no apparent reason- I must be PMS-ing.. one minute I think everything is just wonderful, then PMS strikes..

The only thing I wish I can do right now, other than curling up in my bed sleeping & crying, is to press the fast-forward button so that i can just skip PMS and hit the period fast..

Any smart man knows that handling PMS means taking it easy on his lady during this time to avoid getting his head bitten off in a premenstrual rage. I am bound to be a bit moody at the very least but a little understanding on Fariz's part did go a long way..thank God..In spite of some carelessness here and there, Fariz has been great..keeping head down, he knows it is in his best interest not to push the wrong buttons, figure me out and take it like a man...

I dont think he even realized this, but he has helped so much by not pointing out and blaming that I'm PMS-ing, even if I'm saying I am..I love the way he gets me to talk about how I feel and the way he validates them..especially by telling me how 'normal' my feelings are...and that he would have felt the same way if he's me..

and Fariz sure did learn fast. After committing a few mistakes, he has now figured out exactly the right things to say and the most decent responses to my typical absurd questions, though I know he still feels like walking on eggshells, carefully trying not to say anything that might offend me..Fariz can probably never say enough comforting words, compliments, or loving phrases to satisfy and soothe the monster within me at times like this..but what counts is his unswerving patience when making such effort to reassure me..

In return for being truly amazing and for always giving his best, I secretly promise to always try to give him the best of me, too...at a deeper level, I do have the fear of not meeting his expectations and desires..I want nothing more other than to make him as happy as I am...he deserves it more than anyone else, he really does..
at least in some ways, I have finally come to terms with myself about PMS /hmm

• PMS is no excuse for starting an argument and picking up fights
• PMS is no excuse for being disrespectful/ rude
  
• PMS is no excuse for manipulation
• PMS is no excuse for physical violence

I figured out that shouting or yelling at Fariz when I get angry at him makes him feel challenged and only leads to rocketing his ego sky high..which is not helpful at all when im trying to make him listen to me and what I've got to say...but crying and a little whimpering seems to make Fariz a wee bit weak ..I can almost hear his heart softens. He listens much attentively and responds amazingly better to whatever s*** I have got to throw at him ..so now i know if i want attention and to be heard, i must sob*sob* and speak /please It works wonders! hehehe

Truly, i think we have been doing well..it feels like ages since I irrationally run amok and forcing Fariz to raise his voice towards me.. Indeed, love and Fariz is the answer to my motivation for becoming a much better person..

i think i have finally found my other half, the one who complements me in every way..

I cannot wait to throw myself into his arms TOMORROW!

xxx

Growing Happiness

Life is like a rollercoaster, rolling up and down, full of twists and turns. We've just got to ride it.

This is a line graph of my happiness against time for the year 2009 :)




2009 wasnt all that great for me. A broken heart, thats how my year began. I allowed myself to grief. I moved on from feeling shock and numb and in denial to feeling angry and despair.

Someone told me that broken relationship is like a broken mirror..sometimes it might be better to leave it broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together

after giving some thought to this cliche I let go and the pain ends. Thats when i reach the final stage of grief- acceptance- without blame, without fear or anger or despair. After all, we plan but God decides..

Not long after, I again found myself traveling down a relationship that doesnt feel right or even look right. I spent most of my waking hours worrying about where and when is it going to end..the overwhelming insecurities and uncertainties left me constantly contemplating and in distress. It was uncomfortable, i wanted it over but there was always a voice inside of me that says i should hold on. Things might change later, for the better..

but it didnt of course. I was trapped and the only thing that kept me going was the thought of the possibilities of happiness if i stayed on..the times when i ever do feel merely happy came from the thought that i will be happy, one day.. So how do you exactly break up with someone you still love? Shoudnt I never give up on something that i cant go a day without thinking about? I just cudnt do it..so there i was living on thoughts and fantasy that i made up myself..it was way too far from real..

using sorrowfulness as an excuse, i resorted to shopping and overspending which did help to aid my misery, but only to find that the boost of contentment was often temporary. i hit reality the instant i start driving home after each shopping trip. take my word- money really doesnt buy happiness

speaking of happiness, the good bits of 2009 started around late august. As luck would have it, or shall i say fate.. Fariz stumbled upon my profile on facebook and shot me a message..upon being asked if i know him, he replied 'i pun tak prasan bila i add u' ..cheh...:p lets just believe it was some kind of magic..

It took him almost 2 months or so (of chatting, texting and talking on the fon) to gather the courage to ask if he could come and see me..and i thought that he was SLOW..such a turtle he was.. In his defense, he told me he needed to take his time, to be sure, to not hurt me in case I started to plant hopes and grow dreams..but??! ..I have a completely opposite sentiment about this- If I really like something, I GRAB and GO..(happens a lot while shopping)..I concluded that perhaps Fariz didnt like me that much after all at that time..sob*..or maybe being a man, he is just not as impetuous as I am..he is wiser :)

Anyway..again slowly, but firmly Fariz made his way to my heart, unlocked it and secured himself there. He had all the confidence and he persisted. Now, nothing is above him, and the fear that i may not be able to escape from the previous relationship sounds too silly..Fariz, put the suffering to an end..

but back to the mushy stuff. it is now march and we are still growing happiness..Fariz doesnt anymore call or text me like zillion times a day, the way he used to at the beginning..honestly i am so ok with that, though i do sometimes tease him for not trying anymore..

I asked Fariz during our late night talk yesterday whether love is finite or infinite..does our capacity to love has limits or boundaries.. is there a saturation point for giving and accepting love..If love is plotted against time will we reach plateau one day and will the line dip during hard times or slowly drop as how love would fade away..?

I wanted to believe it when Fariz says that he can love me infinitely..but at the end I decided myself that maybe to stay in love and to stay happy are two different things all together..over time the infatuation and excitement of falling in love may fade, but happiness is always a choice..we can choose to stay happy, together, and for as long as we want to.

xxx

I gotta start somewhere!

I always wanted to blog but owh just look at how I suck at writing. I'm determined this time, to give it a shot..but where do i begin? ..^^ hemm.. /hmm

Ok let's start with how i feel now- easy peasy..

I miss Fariz..and i find myself constantly trying hard not to bother him with endless texts and calls..being in the office alone doesnt help. Everyone is out for some surveillance thingy and im dead bored! why does he has to be super busy while i've got literally nothing to do? geez..
(no im not complaining that u're busy sayang, but i need distraction!)
-owh so then blogging is quite a healthy idea kan? i can ramble and babble, complain and whine to keep me sane and in line..*wink*

and this will keep us on track of how long we've been very much in love