Nighty night

had a quick chat with Fariz because he is a lil bit busy tonight..his voice makes me go all wobbly inside :) and I get a mini heartbreak the instant we hung up the phone..

how can love be bitter and sweet at the same time?

anyway, it is getting late, I shall hit the bed now

here without you

I'm here without you baby
but you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time

xxx

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight

and I have never accepted anything less from my opponent than complete and utter surrender...haha

and so we had a little discord yesterday night..

but instead of bickering and battering each other with harsh remarks and irrational tantrums, I choose to stay away for awhile (which I myself feel like ages) to compose myself so that I can come back to Fariz fresh and loving again..

I miss Fariz, I want to hear his voice so badly but Im trying hard to hold myself from calling him..and as a sign of protest, I didnt wake him up at 6 this morning and made him late for work..boo hoo..(he will forgive me, dont worry)..

I think people really do change, attitudes change, desires change, and levels of tolerance change...after some self-analysis and increasing appreciation for maintaining as much peace as possible in relationships and its importance, I hate to fight now..and will want to avoid it at all means..

I have come to a realization that standing up for myself doesnt always have to involve a fight..maybe sometimes it requires a concession..and with Fariz, everything is always fair and equal..if I treat him nice, he treats me nicer..whatever I give to him, he will give it back to me greater and vice versa..I have never thought that laying down my weapons could be so gratifying..

After all, Fariz is always so gentle and forgiving..so why cant I be? And why must I feel so imperative to win or to be right? Why must I operate too much out of emotion? I wont gain anything other than hurt and anguish will I? I can always let Fariz know that I am not happy with him in a nice way, without having to belittle him or being disrespectful and rude..and I know he appreciates that more than anything :)

I will call you back soon sayang..after writing this I feel much better..I can almost feel my heart recuperating and turning pink again ..


ps: but you better offer to submit yourself for punishment (although you know I will never make you do any of it and if I really want to I will find a toy to do it to :p)

before I go

My heartfelt condolences to everyone in Moscow for the terrible loss of life..may God save lives of those wounded and may those who died rest in peace

Now....female suicide bombers?
What's with these people and the world? Seriously...

Few years back, when the London underground was hit by terror, it was summer. But I was at home in the comfort of family and friends, safe and sound..

"At 8.56am, 21 people died in a blast in a tunnel between King's Cross and Russell Square"

Russell square..
ahh..Russell square station on picadilly line..
that was the route I travel down at least twice a day, every day for 4 years.. to the library and to school..It was my favourite.. fast and reliable, pack with tourist but has never let me down

As I heed the news on BBC, I cannot help from thinking of the what ifs. what if I was there? What if I didnt come home for summer? what if it wasnt summer? I would have definitely been there for school.. What if even it was summer, I was there for some other reason? Or if I was at some other station nearby.. be it Liverpool street or Edgware road? I could have been anywhere..my live in London revolved around these places, although its quite unlikely I would be wandering around as early as 9am..but still....

Life is short and as cliche as it sounds, nothing in life is guaranteed..you'll never know what comes next, or how the future lies ahead of you

before I go, I want to give my heart to those who are worth giving it to..I want to create good memories and make them last forever, and that is what I believe Im doing right now- 'documenting' memories and how I feel about things and such..

My rantings here and there on this blog are meant for Fariz and for him to know and learn how glad I am that our path crossed and he came to light up my life..

Fariz, do you know that love doesnt happen to everyone? some people die without finding out what love is?..some people are not fortunate enough to have felt what we feel?..at least now we know we wont be those people..wasnt it you who told me that to love and to be loved is the greatest happiness of existence?

and you know I have also learned that some people are full of the capacity to love - like me (and you, I believe) - and others are incapable of it in the romantic sense, for whatever reason. Perhaps, fear of commitment, a distorted view of freedom or a deep unwillingness to give themselves over to another or shall I put that as selfish?

But I love the way you love me
strong and wild, slow and easy..
Heart and soul, so completely..
I love the way you love me

He can love me like that

They read me Cinderella
I hoped it would come true
and one day a prince charming would come rescue me

I like romantic movies

and I never will forget
the way it felt when Romeo kissed Juliette

and all this time that I've been waiting...
I don't have to wait no more

He can love me like that
He would make me his world
move heaven and earth coz I am his girl

He would give me his heart
be all that I need...
show me I'm everything that's precious to him,
if I give him a chance, he can love me like that

TCA

Good news on monday...

yay! I am so looking forward to the induction course for enforcers in KL! because I'll be getting my monthly dose of Fariz!! So here's the appointment:

next TCA : 2/52

*TCA= to come again

*2/52= 2 weeks

they're medical abbreviations used in outpatient notes :)

Blame it on monday blues

I just wana tell Fariz that:



and Fariz, you are the most important person to me

Fariz got told off for whining yesterday night..but as I recall the way he never fails to please me, I instantly feel bad for disapproving his needs to be pampered..

So I called back to apologize, revived my vow that I will always try to treat him better everyday and reassure him that I will never get tired of loving him unconditionally :)

xxx

I do, I will

But dont make me wait
just because you know *I will*

ok everyone dont freak out, alright!

I love you

Need to lose weight? well get braces you fatty

It doesn’t bother me anymore how they squeeze my teeth together and make them feel tight, but my tongue gets sore from rubbing against the inside edges of the bottom braces..

and the pain and scraping is making me so irritable that I even start to get a lil bit too annoyed with Fariz and have to shoo him off the phone coz I just bloody cant talk!

I am sorry sayang :( I feel uncomfortable and I know I shouldnt be so temperamental

au contraire, I finally began to start eating again and enjoying proper meals except that yesterday it was more like I went on an eating rampage. I had a plate of salmon Aglio Olio from El Migos for lunch, a fish platter at F-cube cafe around 6pm and a ramly burger which I just couldnt resist, before I scoot to bed..(yes nothing can beat those mouth watering ramly burger, not even BK or McD)

anyway, my plan on losing weight shall resume soon as I am getting my braces tighten again tomorrow..I will go back to my usual diet: nutella hazelnut spread on a spoon and licked yummy

(ok shut up I know it probably has even more calories than a proper meal)

Can someone buy me this? At least this way, losing weight can be more fun and I will be more tempted to go near it and take a look

xxx

Heroin to Methadone: from one hellish nightmare to another?

Fariz suggested that I write about something else, things other than him, perhaps about work, my day or girlfriends and how lovely they are to me..he says he feels uncomfortable reading too much swishy stuff about himself..I must have made him feel like a goddess :p but seriously, whatever I wrote about you sayang, is really you, through my eyes..

I didnt exaggerate..you're just..
OK..stop..stop
(see..i just cant help obsessing about you)

So anyway, this is what I've been up to

excuse the poor-quality photo please..i cant be bothered to take another one..the writing on top just says something like 'Kursus Pendispensan and Kaunselling Methadone' for pharmacists or something

Right..now I'm getting the urge to fill this post with loads of serious medical jargon on drugs and such..but forget it, what is the point of writing this at all if it doesnt make sense to Fariz? (opps Fariz again -sorry :p) -He's probably the only person on this universe who reads this and never gets tired of my ramblings- thank you for your loyalty sayang, thanks..hehehe

ok anyway let see if I can try to explain Methadone in the simplest way..
hurmm..

Methadone... is... like... heroin 'lite'... just like they have those dunhill and dunhill light cigarettes?

So, the idea is to treat heroin addiction by tricking the brain into thinking that it is getting the heroin when its actually not..and the pleasurable effects will be similar to heroin except that there will be no 'rush'/'high' feeling

Other than it can be 'enjoyed' without the fear of getting busted and its free :), methadone is also safer- in the sense that it reduces the risk of all sorts of infections caused by sharing needles between God-knows how many filthy infectious addicts..yes, gross..

the user will eventually need to kick the methadone habit which is much easier to do than to wean someone off heroin although some argued that methadone creates only further and stronger drug addiction and even said that “Harm reduction” has failed, miserably —

but I thought harm reduction is still better than nothing, eh?
ok- no futher comment on this..i need to do more study about it anyway

this is the closet I get to clinical nowdays (yeah sad..)..
no offence though, but Im just such a science person, I love learning about human, I miss pharmacology, I miss handling drugs and working with people rather than papers..

I yearn to learn new things everyday, meet more people and see patients, telling them how to take their meds and simply how to take care of themselves, having them to say 'thank you' and feeling blessed by their smile..

all this law, enforcement things im doing right now just doesnt appeal to me :(

Ps: Sayang, maybe you're right, going back to hospital/ clinical might mot be such a bad idea after all..i will reconsider

xxx

Wake up a lil happier

I was surprise to find myself humming in the shower and as I got dressed this morning..
since when did I become so livelier?

I just dont do mornings because 1) I hate to fight the desire to continue sleeping 2) morning makes me feel crap and groggy 3) I dont want to become a morning person anyway, so thank you- dont tell me bout resetting my biological clock what-not

Its just that now, I look forward to hearing Fariz's husky voice first thing as I open my eyes
(yes I happily serve him as his human alarm clock, every morning, everyday)
and I love this job
It makes me feel important

xxx

envy me?

dont I just love the way Fariz contradicts himself?

Whilst he canot escape from being a man he is- firm and strong, Fariz is yet gentle and compasionate..almost as if his psyche was made of something as soft as cheese, but melted ones of course..hurrmm..

but I know he thinks he is tough and as adamant as any man should be except that ironically he is so much of a fan for romantic comedies and melancholy sappy love stories..one minute he is all manly, assertive and racking his brain making decisions for everything, but the next he becomes somewhat sensitive and touchy, that at times I almost feel that he mutated into becoming half girl..


How paradoxical is that?


The plus side of this 'switch' is when it happens, Fariz somehow becomes incredibly doting, caring and reassuring to the extent that I feel like im talking to a girlfriend..he doesnt just try to put himself in my shoes, he IS in my shoes.. he thinks, feels and sees things from my prespective which is fab! Instead of trying to be heroic, suggesting and offering solutions then getting frustrated and feeling blamed when I turn him down, he just listens, validates and listens again..

Fariz probably really has this 'romanticism' -if there is such word, in his genes, and as he said- it runs in the family :) but lessons grasped from romantic tales must have greatly help to thrive his sweet and chivalrous treatment of women, dont you think?

And did I mention he reads John Gray's stuff, a lot..like many many times?

And he told me, if he is a writer or film director, he will want to produce a story about love?

Im not even sure if Fariz would appreciate this being publicized here.. hush-hush sayang, Im sorry but I just cant help myself from venting to the world how affectionate your love, that is..so dont get me wrong, can you not see a glow of pride in me as I wrote this?

Yes envy me girls, envy me :) my boyfriend came from a fairy-land (not at all from Mars like your ones)..he is made of a pocketful of sunshine, his heart from cotton-candy- pink, sweet and fluffy...he is all that I want him to be, almost effortless and already...

xxx

hopeless romantic

At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet..

It was Plato who said that..and here is the proof:




please excuse Fariz for going all cheesy, corny and mushy :)

it was valentines when he wrote this after all..and whats wrong with being romantic anyway? seriously


Fariz, he is one in a million..

Thank you sayang for staying up all night to make me this..I love it

More than words

Lost of words, I am..but this makes me think of..myself

Look at what love has done to me:

So I find a reason to shave my legs
Each single morning
So I count on someone on Friday nights
To take me dancing again
To plant more trees
And someday think of kids
Or maybe just save a little money

So I learned to cook and finally lose
my kitchen phobia
And so I got the arms to cuddle in
When there's a ghost or a news
that brings insomnia
To buy more thongs
To write more happy songs
It always takes a little help from someone

You're the one I need
You're the one I need

Nothing like your smile made of sun

Plain white T's

On being inspired by Fariz, I have a current obsession to plain white tee's..



Ooops OK I look a lil too white I know..but nvm I cant be bothered to edit these pics again..I have done that twice, today.
I was kindly requested by Fariz to remove a pic of me that he deemed inappropriate to be posted here (how can bending be sexy?) I was fully dressed..

I still cant get my head around it...Fariz must be thinking too much eheh..

Nevertheless as I said earlier, what Fariz think is right for me must be right..I believe him and as a matter of fact, I even feel blessed being looked after and cared for in such a thoughtful way..

Thank you sayang..


On a slightly different note, I feel a bubble of delight rising inside me as I listen to this song; Its ' Write You a Song' by Plain white T's..

I get a vision of Fariz singing this song to me with a smile permanently plastered on his face..I get utterly euphoric just by thinking of him..

xxx

Love makes the soul sings

Dont you just love it when songs do the talking for you?

My dear darling Fariz has repeatedly mentioned that he wants to create a playlist of songs that he would love me to listen to..

and he did :)
How sweet is that??
I've got the songs on my Mac and iPod, except that I dont get to listen to them as much (sorry sayang) but I will..I will ..hehe

then he (or was it me??!) threw in another idea of creating our own wedding songs playlist!!

not that we're getting married anytime soon anyway or if we ever will get married, that is..
so dont FREAK out breath in, breath out..sheeshh..

its just that we've got too many songs, mushy-lovey-dovey songs to be exact in our mind that we thought that we might as well make a compilation of them..
so the plan was to have songs that are decent, sweet like sugar that everyone will like...

Here's my initial stab at it..I shall start with the first one: Everything


Lyrics | Michael Buble lyrics - Everything lyrics

I am still me

Fariz says..

he prefers me in flats rather than heels (because..he is himself, short not so tall eheehehe)

so he bought me these cute babies:

Thank you!

and he adores my original brown eyes (so bye bye coloured lenses)

and he loves me with little to no make up (so now i dont do my eyes anymore)

do i look pale?

I am me, still me, but i like different things now..I like what Fariz likes..

what he thinks matters the most

xxx

a great weekend, it was

How the time flies When I'm near you When I'm near you How the time flies

Seems like heaven When I'm near you When I'm near you How the time flies

A kiss or two and then you're gone you're gone...

The weekend went by in a flash! I had lots of fun being pampered and spoiled like the princess I am hehehe..and having all my requests and demands attended to in the most charming way...Needless to say, Fariz was super sweet and so much fun to be with! He really did nothing other than trying hard to please me..I was beyond contented..

I remember telling Fariz that I wish time would stop so that I can be with him for longer, but the next thing I know we are back to talking over the phone again, reminiscing the times we had together and counting down the days to our next date..it feels as if Fariz was never really here..every second spent with him feels surreal, it was too good, almost like a dream..

i cant get enough of him

i cant wait to see him again :(

xxx

A heart to run to

Fariz is on his way!!

im starting to feel the butterflies filling up every corner of my heart...

i cannot wait!! 5 hours fly faster!...

oh no..maybe dont fly too fast...as soon as Fariz arrives, he is coming with me to the dentist to get my braces fixed... uhuhu

Im forcing myself to finish an egg tart and the dorayaki i bought for breakfast to avoid me from starving to death later..and im practicing to swallow my food...They say that I wont be able to bite with my teeth for a while, maybe for a few days until the pain subsides :(

Lessons Learned

A few months ago.....

Me: I feel fat :(
Him: I pun! (whining like a girl too)
Me: Am i really fat?
Him: Why dont we hit the gym together! (eagerly and enthusiastically!!)


I....went outrageous... If we werent just talking over the phone, I would have bitten his head off..grrr!

Gentlemen please, there is only one RIGHT answer to the question, every time. At the very very least, offer a simple, sincere-sounding "No!" then, change the subject...

Solutions are not welcomed in this case and suggesting that I should lose weight or even 'we' should lose weight is not quite acceptable..



On a related note, I'm currently feeling bloated a.k.a FAT, ugly, cranky and depressed for no apparent reason- I must be PMS-ing.. one minute I think everything is just wonderful, then PMS strikes..

The only thing I wish I can do right now, other than curling up in my bed sleeping & crying, is to press the fast-forward button so that i can just skip PMS and hit the period fast..

Any smart man knows that handling PMS means taking it easy on his lady during this time to avoid getting his head bitten off in a premenstrual rage. I am bound to be a bit moody at the very least but a little understanding on Fariz's part did go a long way..thank God..In spite of some carelessness here and there, Fariz has been great..keeping head down, he knows it is in his best interest not to push the wrong buttons, figure me out and take it like a man...

I dont think he even realized this, but he has helped so much by not pointing out and blaming that I'm PMS-ing, even if I'm saying I am..I love the way he gets me to talk about how I feel and the way he validates them..especially by telling me how 'normal' my feelings are...and that he would have felt the same way if he's me..

and Fariz sure did learn fast. After committing a few mistakes, he has now figured out exactly the right things to say and the most decent responses to my typical absurd questions, though I know he still feels like walking on eggshells, carefully trying not to say anything that might offend me..Fariz can probably never say enough comforting words, compliments, or loving phrases to satisfy and soothe the monster within me at times like this..but what counts is his unswerving patience when making such effort to reassure me..

In return for being truly amazing and for always giving his best, I secretly promise to always try to give him the best of me, too...at a deeper level, I do have the fear of not meeting his expectations and desires..I want nothing more other than to make him as happy as I am...he deserves it more than anyone else, he really does..
at least in some ways, I have finally come to terms with myself about PMS /hmm

• PMS is no excuse for starting an argument and picking up fights
• PMS is no excuse for being disrespectful/ rude
  
• PMS is no excuse for manipulation
• PMS is no excuse for physical violence

I figured out that shouting or yelling at Fariz when I get angry at him makes him feel challenged and only leads to rocketing his ego sky high..which is not helpful at all when im trying to make him listen to me and what I've got to say...but crying and a little whimpering seems to make Fariz a wee bit weak ..I can almost hear his heart softens. He listens much attentively and responds amazingly better to whatever s*** I have got to throw at him ..so now i know if i want attention and to be heard, i must sob*sob* and speak /please It works wonders! hehehe

Truly, i think we have been doing well..it feels like ages since I irrationally run amok and forcing Fariz to raise his voice towards me.. Indeed, love and Fariz is the answer to my motivation for becoming a much better person..

i think i have finally found my other half, the one who complements me in every way..

I cannot wait to throw myself into his arms TOMORROW!

xxx

Growing Happiness

Life is like a rollercoaster, rolling up and down, full of twists and turns. We've just got to ride it.

This is a line graph of my happiness against time for the year 2009 :)




2009 wasnt all that great for me. A broken heart, thats how my year began. I allowed myself to grief. I moved on from feeling shock and numb and in denial to feeling angry and despair.

Someone told me that broken relationship is like a broken mirror..sometimes it might be better to leave it broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together

after giving some thought to this cliche I let go and the pain ends. Thats when i reach the final stage of grief- acceptance- without blame, without fear or anger or despair. After all, we plan but God decides..

Not long after, I again found myself traveling down a relationship that doesnt feel right or even look right. I spent most of my waking hours worrying about where and when is it going to end..the overwhelming insecurities and uncertainties left me constantly contemplating and in distress. It was uncomfortable, i wanted it over but there was always a voice inside of me that says i should hold on. Things might change later, for the better..

but it didnt of course. I was trapped and the only thing that kept me going was the thought of the possibilities of happiness if i stayed on..the times when i ever do feel merely happy came from the thought that i will be happy, one day.. So how do you exactly break up with someone you still love? Shoudnt I never give up on something that i cant go a day without thinking about? I just cudnt do it..so there i was living on thoughts and fantasy that i made up myself..it was way too far from real..

using sorrowfulness as an excuse, i resorted to shopping and overspending which did help to aid my misery, but only to find that the boost of contentment was often temporary. i hit reality the instant i start driving home after each shopping trip. take my word- money really doesnt buy happiness

speaking of happiness, the good bits of 2009 started around late august. As luck would have it, or shall i say fate.. Fariz stumbled upon my profile on facebook and shot me a message..upon being asked if i know him, he replied 'i pun tak prasan bila i add u' ..cheh...:p lets just believe it was some kind of magic..

It took him almost 2 months or so (of chatting, texting and talking on the fon) to gather the courage to ask if he could come and see me..and i thought that he was SLOW..such a turtle he was.. In his defense, he told me he needed to take his time, to be sure, to not hurt me in case I started to plant hopes and grow dreams..but??! ..I have a completely opposite sentiment about this- If I really like something, I GRAB and GO..(happens a lot while shopping)..I concluded that perhaps Fariz didnt like me that much after all at that time..sob*..or maybe being a man, he is just not as impetuous as I am..he is wiser :)

Anyway..again slowly, but firmly Fariz made his way to my heart, unlocked it and secured himself there. He had all the confidence and he persisted. Now, nothing is above him, and the fear that i may not be able to escape from the previous relationship sounds too silly..Fariz, put the suffering to an end..

but back to the mushy stuff. it is now march and we are still growing happiness..Fariz doesnt anymore call or text me like zillion times a day, the way he used to at the beginning..honestly i am so ok with that, though i do sometimes tease him for not trying anymore..

I asked Fariz during our late night talk yesterday whether love is finite or infinite..does our capacity to love has limits or boundaries.. is there a saturation point for giving and accepting love..If love is plotted against time will we reach plateau one day and will the line dip during hard times or slowly drop as how love would fade away..?

I wanted to believe it when Fariz says that he can love me infinitely..but at the end I decided myself that maybe to stay in love and to stay happy are two different things all together..over time the infatuation and excitement of falling in love may fade, but happiness is always a choice..we can choose to stay happy, together, and for as long as we want to.

xxx

Brace yourself for a fashion statement

Im getting my braces on in less than 2 weeks! im scared yet excited. Braces bring to mind pain and discomfort but Fariz is coming along to the dentist, so hopefully that'll make the suffering more bearable..Yes, i want him to be with me though i know im definitely going to be so teary and ugly with make up smearing all over my face..but i will still want a shoulder to cry on /no

I ges i just dont tolerate pain very well. Even the spacers hurt so much for the first couple or days. Spacers are tiny elastics bands that fit between the teeth to help them move slightly apart so that there's room to put the braces on. It feels like having giant pieces of steak stuck in between the teeth..

Spacers look like this:

I read everywhere that braces are supposed to hurt less than the spaces. I just hope that'll be true for me too..we'll see.. and braces are becoming less stigmatized and thanks to Tom Cruise (and other famous people) that had them on, braces have become a modern-day fashion statement! I wud like mine in PiNk pleaseee!..so that they'll match all my other pinky blinky outfits and accessories!

Ok so now that makes me feel better, slightly..

but before i go in to see the dentist i'll still pop in a couple of paracetamol just in case..

and i hope Fariz will take me to have lots and lots of ice-creams, jellies and choki2 right after i get my braces on

This is my adorable Fariz, smiling ear to ear

He is such an eye candy and i love him, very much /blush

I gotta start somewhere!

I always wanted to blog but owh just look at how I suck at writing. I'm determined this time, to give it a shot..but where do i begin? ..^^ hemm.. /hmm

Ok let's start with how i feel now- easy peasy..

I miss Fariz..and i find myself constantly trying hard not to bother him with endless texts and calls..being in the office alone doesnt help. Everyone is out for some surveillance thingy and im dead bored! why does he has to be super busy while i've got literally nothing to do? geez..
(no im not complaining that u're busy sayang, but i need distraction!)
-owh so then blogging is quite a healthy idea kan? i can ramble and babble, complain and whine to keep me sane and in line..*wink*

and this will keep us on track of how long we've been very much in love